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this very simple formula of life

2021 April 29
by Rachel Turiel

Right now, what I really want to tell you is that six pine grosbeaks have been visiting our crab apple daily. They’re new to our yard and each time they show up—earnest beaks clipping at red berries—I’m filled with the maternal joy of so easily providing for someone’s needs.

In other social structures, ahem, that is, inside the house, well, things are a bit more complicated. I would like to create this app that decodes everybody’s needs. Because there is this very simple formula of life: we all are all the time moving towards satisfying needs. The pine grosbeaks are searching for sustenance. Our dog is looking for purpose, hence the protective woofing every time our upstairs neighbors suspiciously ascend their own stairs. All the tomatoes in our greenhouse lean towards the sun: photosynthesis is life, baby!

And then there’s us people. We’ve lost some of the fluidity we came into this world with. (Remember that? Baby cries, we pick her up. Boom! Strategy clear. Needs met). When I wander out to the kitchen with a search image for chocolate burning in my eyes—for the fourth time this morning—I am looking for some stimulation, ease and predictability in the midst of acres of uncertainty. Hmmm, tall order for a square of cacao. Maybe that’s why I’m on my fourth trip – still searching for that stimulation and ease.

This I understand.

And, omg, this. 

I would aim my app at Rosie when she’s on the couch, three hops from the kitchen, though texting me in the next room to see if I’ll get her a snack. I think you’re wanting some nurture and care from your Mama. Is that it, my precious daughter? I would ask. And, when Col says “Mom, leave,” with urgency in his voice after I’ve popped in on his bedroom fortress of remote schooling, my app would tell me: this child wants to be trusted to manage his workload, and his whole gorgeous life, Mama!

See? It’s so beautiful. In this world there are no lazy, entitled or impertinent children, just billions of us humans who have not been taught how to make our needs known nor ask for what we truly want. Billions of us who’re trying to tamp down our vulnerability, to appear less full of desires, because we’ve been told it’s easier that way.

But, as Miki Kashtan says, “Because needs are the stuff of life, they cannot go away. Consequently, when we don’t allow ourselves to have a need, what we lose is freedom. We lose access to conscious choice about how to meet this still-present but unacknowledged need.” So when we tamp down a need with our cultural slogans (“don’t sweat the small stuff,” “first world problems,” etc…) we pay the costs, and usually take others down with us. And, when we demand that someone else change or we judge them for not changing, we’re sidestepping touching into the vulnerability and honesty of what we’re actually wanting. 

Not *exactly* 3 generations.

 

3 generations minus 1. Thank you Baba and Nana for driving 6 days roundtrip to see us!!

Much of the work I do, using principles of nonviolent communication, is helping people understand what needs they’re attempting to satisfy, and to determine if they actually like the strategies their nervous systems have developed. 

There’s so much more space in me when I understand that the reason my throat seizes when I see a new (artificial-ingredient, endocrine-disrupting) addition to the array of body care products on Rose’s dresser is because I am burning with a passion for all of us to know that our worth is unshakable so we can get on with the project of expressing our gifts. 

The more I make room for this desire in me, this need for our belonging and significance to be uncoupled from flawless skin (and the mourning of how Capitalism has co-opted our self worth), the more quickly I can recover what I know is true: this is a systemic issue manifest in my innocent daughter. And, being critical of her is the most ineffective strategy to meet my precious dream of a world where we know our worth is unshakable. 

I can see clearly that these purchases are her strategy to meet needs for self care, mattering to herself, belonging, acceptance and fun.

And I still want the artificial fragrance out of the house. So, I might say, “Hey love, you know my concern about artificial fragrance. Can I take you to Dancing Willow Herbs where you can pick out a body spray made with essential oils?”

Or, I may just let it be. Because giving a teenager the sense of being accepted is like infusing them with unshakable worth.

I find Rose doing remote school on the couch.

“Hey I want to acknowledge that sometimes it’s hard to have me as a mom.”

“Yeah. What made you realize that?” (Damn – thought maybe she’d argue with me on this one).

“Well, I was thinking about how I have opinions about what you put on your body and that’s probably hard for you when you just want acceptance from me.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Mama, that’s nice. Now, can I show you my slideshow on Andalusia?”

Andalusia is pretty dreamy, but I’d have a hard time leaving the cold frames right now.

Afterwards, I return to the crabapples. For five minutes I’m completely enraptured by the pine grosbeaks’ world—pluck, nibble, discard—hundreds of red berry bits strewn across the ground. Their strategy is almost the same as their need. No app needed to understand. Meanwhile, the humans in the house go about their complex ways, and until that need-decoding app gets invented, I’ll put all my brain power into making room for understanding what challenges me, breaks my heart and delights me, and all the complex ways we attend to this very simple formula of life.



13 Responses leave one →
  1. Meredith Pollick permalink
    April 29, 2021

    I love your writing, Rachel! It’s beautiful. What’s even more stunning? Your self-reflective abilities…. and your ability to express those reflections with clarity and poetry. Xoxo

    • Rachel Turiel permalink
      April 29, 2021

      From being teenagers to raising teenagers; how did that happen? Love you, Mere!

      • Amy Morrison permalink
        April 29, 2021

        Rachel, I always appreciate your words. They leave me considering about how to more thoughtfully interact with the people I love. That is a gift. Thank you.

        • Rachel Turiel permalink
          April 30, 2021

          Thank you, Amy! If you want to sign up for my mailing list and be notified about online classes I have a very new, baby website where you can do so:
          https://www.rachelturiel.com

  2. Leanne permalink
    April 29, 2021

    I learn something from every one of your posts!!! Thanks for sharing your wisdom. Your truth gems help me in my own home as a Mama navigating all the needs!!!

    • Rachel Turiel permalink
      April 29, 2021

      This makes me so happy to hear!

  3. Molly B Wieser permalink
    April 29, 2021

    Oh friend. A darling person kind of bullied the dog off the couch the other night and there was great hullabaloo and later I realized that person just wanted cuddles and the dog was in the way of that and the darling person needs support expressing their need more directly and clearly. Heartbreak for my person having such a hard time with her own need. Right after I was done being irritated by her choices. Sigh. Thank you for this.

    • Rachel Turiel permalink
      April 29, 2021

      Oh how I love this whole story, Molly!

  4. Pam in MN permalink
    April 29, 2021

    OMG OMG I love this so much! Rachel, could you get this one published somewhere where thousands more people might see it? Humor, humility, and so much practical, vital truth!

    Picking out one section – but all of them are gems: “Much of the work I do, using principles of nonviolent communication, is helping people understand what needs they’re attempting to satisfy, and to determine if they actually like the strategies their nervous systems have developed.

    There’s so much more space in me when I understand that the reason my throat seizes when I see a new (artificial-ingredient, endocrine-disrupting) addition to the array of body care products on Rose’s dresser is because I am burning with a passion for all of us to know that our worth is unshakable and get on with the project of expressing our gifts. ”

    Thank you, Rachel. I want to share this with the world.

    • Rachel Turiel permalink
      April 29, 2021

      Aww, Pam. Loving the feeling of being seen and met so fully. Will you be my agent?

  5. Ike permalink
    May 1, 2021

    Wonderful blog. The last few sentences are very impactful re us humans going about
    our lives trying to fulfill our needs but not being mindful of what motivates us

  6. elizabeth permalink
    May 19, 2021

    ah yes! I just had a third baby (the older kids are 6 and 9) and I have been amazed at how easy it is to have a baby! I remember it being intense… but now I am thinking, what’s intense about sitting down and nursing? I don’t think it will ever be more easy to satisfy the needs of another human being. Diaper, check, milk, check, holding in arms, check. I am enjoying this easy peasy stage now more than ever :).

  7. June 3, 2021

    Enjoyed reading it! Thanks!
    Met my read for fun and understanding and lightness.

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