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The Good News and Giveaway!

2013 January 28
by Rachel Turiel

At our local hot springs last weekend, I asked Col, Rose and their friend Kiva, what children need most.

“Love,” Col said. “Yup, love,” Kiva agreed. “Love!” Rose shouted and then tackled her brother.

zoo

Col, Rose and Kiva, zookeepers.

Okay. Well, whew. That’s the easy part, loving our children. It’s like how your fingernails grow without any forethought or panicked book-reading on how to actually grow fingernails; or how after childbirth, the secretive organ of your placenta slides crampingly out of you but you hardly notice* because you’ve just met this tiny person who’s been in the world for approximately 5 breaths, but is already the new sun that the planet of your love orbits.

(*that’s not exactly true about the placenta, is it? After all those hours of naked goddess bellowing unmedicated labor, once the baby was out, I was like, what? there’s more? can I get a freaking tylenol now?)

But really, if all our children needed was love, raising them would be easy.

dr laura

Dr. Laura Markham. Her motto is “choose love.” But wait, there’s more.

I know many of you are fans of Dr. Laura Markham’s work and her website, Aha! Parenting, as I am, because these are the topics—what do children need besides love to become happy, self-disciplined, emotionally-healthy people?—that she addresses. And she does the brilliant work of showing (through science!) how rewards and punishment not only don’t work, but undermine motivation. Or how empathy is the shortest distant between a meltdown and a hug. Or how it’s way easier to create a paradigm of cooperation and connection than it is to follow one of those elaborate pentagon-level behavior sticker charts with sub-categories and check marks that get totaled at the end of the week like chips at the casino.

Dr. Markhams’s book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: how to stop yelling and start connecting, is the daily coach that nudges me off the auto pilot of my own parenting, whispering into my ear: hey, psst, when your 5 year old daughter plants her hands on her hips and says, “you always choose Col’s book first. You’re mean! I won’t let you read!” (grabs book and throws it), it’s not really about the book.

But here’s what I am learning: (all reinforced by Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids)

1) Even though I feel like my heart is being stepped on, best to to save the lectures on how much I do for her. Rose will not be able to hear me when she’s in the throes of a difficult emotion.

2) Don’t take it personally. My daughter’s anger is not due to anything I’ve done wrong. This behavior is my child’s SOS for attention.

3) Empathize with Rose by showing her I’ve heard her, even if I’m just repeating her own words. “You’re feeling like I always choose Col’s book first. You don’t like that. That feels mean to you!”

4) Try and decipher Rose’s real need. Is she not feeling valued or noticed? Does she need some more physical and emotional connecting (snuggles on the couch, tickles in bed, hugs and reminders of how I love her)? Some more one-on-one time? Or a big enveloping hug to discharge some of her fear and sadness into tears that “wash the feelings away, like cleaning a wound?” And then repeat, daily.

And honestly, the more that empathy (which is just listening and affirming emotions, rather than problem-solving, or caving in on the begged for cookie or explaining how too much sugar rots your teeth) is employed, the fewer meltdowns you will have. This is the good news.

dr laura2

While reading Dr. Laura Markham’s new book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, I can feel my empathy muscles strengthening, and the space of my own pause before reacting, lengthening. I notice that when a child and I are stepping into the arena, the place of locked wills, and I can feel the octave of my voice rising from a knot of anger in my chest, I remember to stop. This is my favorite of all Dr. Markham’s advice, “stop talking as soon as you notice yourself losing your temper.” Stopping allows me to avoid saying something I’ll regret (something that might start as “if you don’t stop throwing books…”), and helps me see my child as needing support and encouragement, rather than as the enemy I need to wrestle into submission.

Also, this book is super-digestible. It’s great for husband sound-bytes at 10pm in bed. Like this one, “you don’t yell at a plant that isn’t thriving, you water it.” Or, “All misbehavior is an SOS from your child, alerting you to unmet needs or tangled feelings.”

Dr. Laura Markham’s book is full of common scenarios (you know: biting siblings and refusals to leave the park and getting dressed in the morning strikes) and the blueprints for dealing with them, including, but not limited to:

* How to emotion-coach a child through a meltdown.

* 12 alternatives to punishment.

* How to stop yelling at your kids.

* Use connection to make bedtime easier.

This book is a gift, it should be regulation issue on every hospital maternity ward. It’s radical because it doesn’t rely on manipulating your child’s behavior but asks you to manage your own emotions and responses to create connection and cooperation; it’s simple because anyone (including busy, working parents, including people who’ve used time outs for years) can start enjoying a more peaceful relationship now; and it’s all 100% true.

Dr. Laura’s publisher is giving away one free copy of Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids to one of you. Leave a comment to be entered.

Also, Dr. Laura has offered to answer a parenting question, any parenting question, from one of you. If you have one, lay it on us in your comment (optional but wow, what an opportunity).

Giveaway closes Friday, February 1st.

 

Book winner:, commenter #8. Jen, “I’d love the book. Question: How do I get my 8 year old to stop saying “oh my gosh” in a sarcastic voice whenever I say something she doesn’t like.”

Jen, get me your address and I’ll pass it on to Dr. Laura Markham’s publisher.

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107 Responses leave one →
  1. Nancy permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I’d love to read that book; sounds great! My question: My daughter will turn 12 in a couple months. Any tips on handling a kid’s growing independence while also helping them navigate the world? Any tips on the social stuff that’s getting trickier? I.e. let’s say one’s child has a friend one is not nuts about — let it ride or share your opinion of said friend in a loving way? Oh mama, I’m up for Q&A, yes!

  2. Carolyn permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I recognize that this book might be really valuable to me! They don’t my threats seriously anymore anyway. LOL
    Dr Laura, How to I get my 7 yr old non-ambulatory son (he has CP) to stop giving us false alarms to take him to the bathroom 15 minutes after he goes to bed? (Sometimes he really goes… but he will make up things just to get someone back in the room.)

  3. Jonni permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Wow, wish I had this book when my children were smaller. Would love to read this for them anyway, seems we never get out of old habits of needing attention, no matter what age. Would be great to have with the grandchildren as well…

  4. January 28, 2013

    Wow. Sounds amazing. Sign me up!

  5. January 28, 2013

    I would love this book.

  6. Kim permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I wish this had been available 30 years ago….although, I would love for my daughter
    to take advantage of this wisdom with her little one. :)

  7. January 28, 2013

    I have a really happy little boy who is very content in his own world which means we often have issues when we have to be somewhere at a specific time or need to go to bed at a reasonable time. I struggle with this so much because I love that he is so happy humming a tune and getting caught up in play, but I end up being stressed out because we are running late for school/work. I’d like to read this book because it sounds very in line with my desired parenting style. Thank you for the opportunity to win a copy.

  8. Jen permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I’d love the book. Question: How do I get my 8 year old to stop saying “oh my gosh” in a sarcastic voice whenever I say something she doesn’t like.

  9. Marlene permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Whoah. We need this book. Or maybe she could just come live with us for a week. And she could tell us what to do when a child invents imaginary scenarios where he was wronged by his parents, and then is angry with his parents for them. (That’s my question, can you tell?)

  10. gretchen permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I love Aha!Parenting. Thanks for recommending it to me- it’s the guidance i’ve been needing.

  11. Christine D. permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Would LOVE to read this book!! This is how I want to parent I would love some advice on how to navigate my 3 year olds independent nature but at the same time his unwillingness to play alone and need for constant attention. He is an only child, and I do try to balance a lot of one on one time with him, but I also want him to understand that adults have other responsibilities and he needs to be content to play on his own at times as well? He does have lots of play with other children as I work full time, so he is not lacking in socialization, he’s actually very outgoing and social, just wants to play with mommy and daddy 24/7 when we’re home – how do you balance that by not making them feel ignored??

  12. January 28, 2013

    I’d love this book. Even after reading your post I know I’ll think (and stop talking) when I feel my temper rising. Great advice.

  13. January 28, 2013

    Sounds like a fantastic book. We could totally use some more ideas on How to emotion-coach a child through a meltdown, 12 alternatives to punishment, and How to stop yelling at your kids. Throw my name in the hat please.

  14. January 28, 2013

    I NEED this book. Like I need air…I need this book. I have a million questions to ask, how do I pick just one? I have the exact same “issue” as Christine D. Very challenging. Also, my 6 1/2 year old is very strong willed, does not follow blindly. He has a very strong sense of self and demands control over everything that involves him. I recognise these are brilliant traits for when he is a teen and adult…but it makes raising a small child very hard. Any ideas or thoughts would be SO appreciated.

  15. Jaymi permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Aha! I need that book :)

  16. Kathy permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I know someone who needs this book. My dear grandson is struggling with his stepmother, who has serious issues. I’d love to send it to her! Thanks!

  17. January 28, 2013

    We are really struggling right now, so many questions I have. Learning about this book right now feels like the dose of air I’ve been praying for. Thanks!

  18. coleen permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I would love to win this book for my daughter and my grandson.

  19. Molly permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I just bought the book! :) I got it at the library, and it was due when my husband was in the middle of it (no renewals, because there was a wait list for it!)…he said “you should just buy this, so we have it on hand”…

    It is a great book, and it makes such a difference when we “choose love”. It also helps reassure you that you’re not “spoiling” your child–your seeing him/her as a unique individual–not some “kid who should be seen and not heard”.

    If the drawing from the book is random and I win a copy, I have a good friend who would appreciate it–I will give it to her!

    My question for Dr. Laura is: with all of the wonderful information in your book, what is the ONE THING you suggest to work on/do/remember?? I read the entire book so quickly (because it was amazing!), that I feel like I need to re-read it over and over, since I get sidetracked with a toddler and 7 yr old all day…
    Also: can you make a wallet-sized “quick reference guide” for those of us who need the daily reminders?? Maybe a marketing tool for people who haven’t read the book, and a great tool for those of us who have?? :)

    Thanks!

  20. January 28, 2013

    I so need this right now. Toddlerhood might kill me.

  21. January 28, 2013

    Could totally use this… Especially this morning after having blown it on my eight-year-old for once again insisting that the black cat is his and his brother can’t pet it … sigh.

  22. Jess permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Sounds like EXACTLY what I need to read in detail before I have kids, and share with my sister who is adventuring with one now! :) Thank you!

  23. Tamara permalink
    January 28, 2013

    How terrible does this sound…our house sucks! I have a husband and two kids (4 & 8 ) and we get along well in pairs- add a third or fourth and forget it. My family would love for me to win this book.

  24. Britta permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I’ll definitely get this even if I don’t win! I desperately need help mitigating meltdowns.

  25. January 28, 2013

    I don’t need to win this book (my step son is 23), but I was struck by your descriptions, and thought, hey, this is really what adults need too. To be heard, to be allowed to express and process our emotions in a safe loving environment, to snuggle on the couch, to not be yelled at. Imagine what amazing adults children raised in this kind of environment will turn out to be!

  26. Elena permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I am really interested in getting this book. Would love to employ these philosophies with my 1.5 year old, and help ease the transition when his baby sister arrives in a few months.

  27. Elizabeth permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I could definitely use the book. My question is about emotion coaching through a meltdown. My son is autistic and is having meltdowns because he realizes how different he is from other children and that he can’t work independently in school like they can. He is so down on himself that I tend to use distraction and humor to get him off obsessive negative thoughts. Is there a better way? I do acknowledge that he feels bad but I don’t want to spend too much time on it because it can be such a rapid downward spiral into utter despair. Thank you Dr Laura for all you do. :)

  28. Peggy permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I’ve read your entries about this book before and have really liked them. I tried one of the tactics last weekend when I was about to lose it with my son – and instead told him I understood that he was angry and frustrated….rather than yelling at him (this is the short version). It was absolutely amazing to see how it all worked out. And then to see him come back to ME a short bit later after something frustrated him again (!! he usually goes to my husband when he is upset because he is the more patient of us) and to curl right up onto my lap and ask me to just hang with him for a bit while he was frustrated and upset – THAT was the best part and the biggest reward! So although it would be great to win a free copy – I’ve just ordered one for my Kindle. I plan to start reading tonight. THANK YOU for all of your posts and for recommending this book!

  29. Carly permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Sounds humane and transformative. What amazes me is how much inhumanity is peddled as parenting advice. I’ll definitely read this.

    If you like Dr. Laura Markham you might also want to check out Patty Wipfler and her connection parenting resources at Hand in Hand Parenting. Pam Leo is my all-time favorite connection parenting guru and source of 10pm hubby sounbites – like this one:
    “We can’t teach children to behave better by making them feel worse. When children feel better, they behave better.”

    Thank you so much for this post! You’ve just helped me realize how far my parenting has strayed from the connection path. Time to re-read old dog-eared favorites and to check out this new book you recommend. I deeply appreciate your insights and your humor!

    • Carly permalink
      January 28, 2013

      and another Pam Leo stopped-me-in-my-tracks bit of wisdom: “Children need love most when they appear to deserve it least.” Feelin’ the love and connection today thanks to you!

  30. Sheryl Lock permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Sounds like a perfect book for me and every parent!
    Question: My daughter has started wanting to make other people (mainly her brother) hurt when she is emotionally hurt. So something happens that hurts her feelings and immediately she wants to lash out and try to make others feel like she does. Not everytime, but often. She has also begun to want everything that she does to be about other people, for example she steps on a toy, her foot really hurts, she’s crying and it was my fault or her brother’s fault. ???? I have pointed this out to her, we’ve talked about it but I don’t know how to get a 7 year old to see how this thought pattern will affect her in the long run. Or how to get her to talk about what she is really needing. She is a big lover of attention which we try hard to give her and to reinforce that she is very loved, but like Rose she feels her brother gets special treatment. Thank you for your posts as always!

  31. Claire Ninde permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I would love this book and I need this book! I tend to be a “yeller” and imagine that I could learn a lot from Dr. Markham.

  32. Barbara H permalink
    January 28, 2013

    this book sounds AMAZING! Whether or not I win, I am still going to buy the book!

    Thanks!

  33. Dawn permalink
    January 28, 2013

    We are in the throes of “terrible twos” over here and I’d love to read that book! Love her website already.

  34. Jennyroo permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I would love to read this book! I am challenged every day by the three vibrant little boys in my house.

  35. Erin permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Oh, this book sounds wonderful! We are in need of a little extra guidance in our house right now, and this sounds just perfect! Would love to win a copy, otherwise maybe I’ll find it at the library. Thanks Rachel!

  36. January 28, 2013

    Sounds like a fabulous book, thanks for the chance.

  37. January 28, 2013

    Sign me up! I’ve never been one for parenting books, but am realizing my weaknesses more and more, especially when it comes to using anger and discipline to try to keep my boys in line. I’d rather use love as my method!

  38. Sarah permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Would love a chance to win this book! Question: my eight year old son cries hysterically, grabs legs and blockades the door every morning when my husband leaves for work. We make special dates for the two of them, have my husband put him to bed each night and try to find other ways for them to connect one-on-one. He even recently switched jobs to have more time at home. But every morning departure is met with uncontrolled sobs and leg grabbing. Any advice on talking this through with him? He insists the reason he cries is because he lives his dad so much and misses him, not that he thinks he won’t return.

  39. Delicia Beaty permalink
    January 28, 2013

    NEED and want desperately. I have two kids … seems I can handle one just fine but then the energy of two just becomes too much! Need more special time!

  40. January 28, 2013

    Would love to read this book! I have two wonderful children, but at times, I lose my patience. I am always working on that, but it would be great to get more tips.

  41. amy bayard permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I’d love a chance to win this book!!!

  42. Anonymous permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I so need to read this.

  43. Claire permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I really need to read this

  44. Charlena Thornton permalink
    January 28, 2013

    My 2 1/2 year old son hits and scratches me when he doesn’t want to do something (have diaper changed, get dressed, leave park). He hits me and when I tell him that it hurts please stop hitting & I/we have to do X, he hits me again and laughs. I’m against spanking and time outs don’t work.

  45. January 28, 2013

    A great article. In my former life (before motherhood) I developed lots of theories about parenting based on my interactions with clients. The biggest problem I saw, was that people had either never been taught (or role-modeled) how to deal with their feelings, or their feeling had been completely invalidated. Empathy seemed key to me, so I’m glad there are books out there that are proving it.

  46. Monique permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I would live a copy of this book. I’ve been looking at it since you we’re offering pre-orders. We have a 3 year old & a new born. My 3 year old was a piece of cake until she turned 2! I need help in reinforcing positive parenting with empathy that will keep her behavior in line when she’s with other adults. She’s a strong willed child & I love that about her as long as she learns to use her will for the better in kindness & love. Please send me a copy! Thanks

  47. Angie permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Dear Dr. Markham,

    I have two boys, ages 7 and 5. They share many similar passions (sports, board games, chess, etc) and are each other’s constant play partners. Inevitably, one of them gets frustrated (tears, anger, refusal to continue playing) at the other for any number of reasons (upset to loose, not make the play, uneven levels, etc). What advice can you share to help reduce the strong emotions that often take all the joy out of the play in the first place? Thanks!

    -Angie

  48. Zsofia permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I/We would LOVE to have this book in need of answers every day!

  49. Courtney permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Such a fan I get website. Would love to read her book!

  50. claudia overton permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I would love to read this book – feel like fighting is such a constant in my house.

  51. January 28, 2013

    I would love to win this book!

  52. Chi-An permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Very much interested in this book. My question is: Do you have suggestions for ways of teaching empathy?

  53. Chi-An permalink
    January 28, 2013

    sorry, forgot to add: Thanks Rachel for giving us this opportunity!

  54. January 28, 2013

    If this book has any ideas I can use in living with an 11 year old girl who is going to be 13 way too soon, then yes please, throw my name in.

  55. Kim permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Thanks for the giveaway. My question: I had major PPD after the birth of my first and I feel that the connection I have with her is not as strong as it could be. She’s 5 and has 2 younger siblings. I have the PPD under control but just feel distant from her. Suggestions on reconnecting with a kindergartener?

  56. Karen permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Really want to read her new book. Thanks for this opportunity. Wish I could just put it under my pillow at night and be that kind of parent when I wake up:)

  57. Leah Kelly permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I have been avidly reading the aha parenting website since having my son 18 months ago when my partner and I realised we don’t want to go down the typical punitive parenting route. I have got Dr Laura’s book on my wishlist so would love to win a copy.

  58. Teresa permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I need a copy of this book on my shelf so that I can run to it each time I feel that my own emotional regulation is a bust!! My question is more about resilience, both the child’s and the parents,,,, is there hope for those of us who didn’t know about gentle parenting when we had babies? What if we implemented CIO? Are our children doomed to a future of insecurity?
    Lots of respect or you and your continual commitment to changing the world, one ‘ miracle’ at a time :)

  59. Kat permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Ahaparenting.com is such a great website! I actually have this book on hold at the library, but I would love my own copy. I have always felt like there had to be a different way to parent than the typical reward/punishment style that we tend to see around us. I recently read Unconditional Parenting, but have been in the lookout for resources that give practical advice for the day-to-day parenting challenges. Really looking forward to reading this book. Thanks for sharing how it is helping you and your family.

  60. Delicia Beaty permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I always (8 years now) thought the consequence they get is me getting mad … yelling because they obviously cannot hear me … Husband is an Italian Yeller also : )

  61. Sara permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I would love to get this book! Bummed my library does not have it. Looks like something I need!

  62. Hilary permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I read this post at the right time! I need this! I’m struggling with consistantly choosing empathy and connection. Thanks for offering this book!

  63. Staci permalink
    January 28, 2013

    This is wonderful! I am loving all the empathy going around right now what with this and Feelez new empathy group on FB. So much love.

  64. Dezarae permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Thank you so much! I feel like my parenting needs a kickstart! This could be just the thing!

  65. Vanessa permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Oh I would so need this book!

  66. January 28, 2013

    I would love to read this book.

  67. Maggi permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I would love a copy of this book. I watched her on a panel and she was calm and collected against these parents that believe that spanking their children equal corrected behavior.

  68. Rachel Buklad permalink
    January 28, 2013

    This post came at just the right time for me. Thanks for the inspiration!

  69. Susan permalink
    January 28, 2013

    This speaks to me on so many levels. I would love to get my hands on a free copy.

  70. January 28, 2013

    oh yes, please pick me. here’s my question: after seven months, my 2 1/2 year old kid still cries at school a lot because she misses us. she only goes for 7 hours/day 2 days/week and, though we’ve worked through drop-off (she has a routine that culminates in her walking in by herself and yelling “ta-da!”), apparently a good chunk of the rest of the morning is pretty tear-filled. we’ve told her we always come back, read books about going to school, etc., but really need to help her our. her teacher has said that if we can get our kid to stop crying all day within a month that we’re going to have to find a new school. while we understand this reality, we’re also worried that starting over will only exacerbate the problem of missing us. any advice will be greatly, GREATLY appreciated. thanks for the chance to throw a question into the mix!

  71. Angela permalink
    January 28, 2013

    We just recently found AhaParenting and am learning so much. Q: my daughter is 10 months & I’m having a hard time understanding how to teach boundaries (i.e. its not safe to play with that sharp shiny thing called a knife) or what is ok for her, all while being empathetic & while letting her explore healthfully. The knife example is easy – but what about when mommy/daddy are eating/drinking something baby can’t have. Obviously there will be things she has that we won’t have/use and vice versa – so how do we healthfully teach this to her at her young age?

  72. Susan permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I love Dr. Laura Markham’s website. It would great to read her new book.

  73. Anonymous permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I’m very interested in reading Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids!

  74. Danielle permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I’ve just put this book on hold at my library, can’t wait to read it! I’m most interested to read how rewards and punishment undermine motivation, whoops :(. I’ll be happy for another perspective and with 12, 9 and 4 year olds, it can only help! Thank you!

  75. Lisa permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I would love to read this book! Your review is wonderful. This book has been on my “to do” list for a while.

  76. Ellie permalink
    January 28, 2013

    So I just ordered the book on Amazon ’cause I can’t wait, but if I win, I’ll give the copy to my dear friend who is in labor right now with her first child.

  77. January 28, 2013

    Thank goodness i read your “cliff notes” earlier today, cause tonight i got tested! :-) Big time. It was like a one, two, punch over and over. Dr. Markham’s book resonates with me and sounds like a must have in the ever growing conscious library. Please include me in the drawing. i also FB your entry. May it help. Blessings!

  78. Romy permalink
    January 28, 2013

    The book sounds really interesting – I’m intrigued!

  79. Melissa permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Sounds like a great book and website! My question: Do you have any tips for responding to one of my children, who has extreme and often violent tantrums? He’s almost four and alternately sweet and full of fury.

  80. Becca permalink
    January 28, 2013

    I’d love to read this. And I would very much take advice on helping my kid deal with everyday frustration (like a Lego spaceship crash)! Thanks. Lovely post.

  81. January 28, 2013

    neeeeeeed this!

  82. Jen M permalink
    January 28, 2013

    Oh how I need this book! I never thought I would be a mom who yells but I find myself yelling more and more each day – and realizing it doesn’t work. This book sounds like it can help me be the parent I want to be.

  83. Annie permalink
    January 29, 2013

    This book looks terrific! Thanks for letting me know about it!

  84. January 29, 2013

    Putting on my hold list at the library RIGHT NOW.
    My question: What are the limits of communication with a situation where I feel like I’m beating a dead horse every time? My son hits and pinches when he’s angry. We’ve talked about it ZILLIONS of times. He “knows” he’s supposed to hit or pinch couches, pillows, anything but people, but in the moment, its usually a person. Should I keep talking about this? Keep talking about it more brief? Hold him when this happens so he can’t hurt anyone and then just move on? I’m at a loss!!

  85. January 29, 2013

    Count. Me. In.

  86. shannon s permalink
    January 29, 2013

    Love everything you write about..its my new parenting style..thanx so much!

  87. Evonne permalink
    January 29, 2013

    Yes! I need to read that book, how quickly and badly fate will decide:)))

  88. Melissa permalink
    January 29, 2013

    Hi there, no need to enter me in the contest but I will definitely check out the book! And plug Emotional Muscle, by Novick and Novick, another good read about empathy and teaching regulation (and showing how to do it, ourselves!).

    It’s sooooo hard to not just react, especially when Avi scratches Lilit, but then I’m in it with them instead of remaining the parent who helps them through it. The work is so worth it!

    And because Avi is such a big Beatles fan (I’m more Stones but whatevs), he agrees with the love sentiment (:
    xoxo

  89. January 29, 2013

    I was just having the ‘what parenting book are you reading?’ conversation at preschool pick-up today. I just bought 1-2-3 magic after a friend recommended it…and no thank you! This looks like just what I need.

  90. January 29, 2013

    As my kids grow I find is distressingly easy to slip into so many patterns that I intentionally and creatively avoided to so long. I feel like it is all coming at me/us faster — this isn’t what I expected after laying a ‘good’ foundation. I would love to read this book.

  91. Ruth permalink
    January 29, 2013

    No need to enter me in the contest because I don’t have kids. But the book sounds great and resonsates with how I now try to operate also with adults – that is, work with my own emotions rather than react unthinkingly or challenge someone for his/her behavior. Really helpful at work for example.

  92. Sara permalink
    January 29, 2013

    Lots of stopping talking (deep breaths) and #3 Empathize by showing her I’ve heard, even if I’m just repeating her own words got us through two rough afternoons this week

  93. Katy permalink
    January 29, 2013

    Oh how I need this book. Especially at, say, 3pm when my 9m pregnant self is at the end of the energy rope and needs a snack and just wants to go to bed and tell empathy to take a flying leap. And that, yes, is when my daughter needs me most. SOS.

  94. Ellie permalink
    January 29, 2013

    I am raising 4 little ones so count me in. I sometimes feel that my mom did a much better job then what I am doing. My daughter has a complex issue, selective mutism.

  95. Katherine permalink
    January 29, 2013

    What a great giveaway! I have far too many parenting thoughts and self-criticisms after the day we had today to narrow it down to just one. “How do I get my almost-four-year-old to cut it with the whining?” perhaps?

  96. Tiph permalink
    January 29, 2013

    I really want to read this book! I have been struggling with how to respond to my 5yo, as she is trying on new tones & behaviors when communicating with us!

  97. anne permalink
    January 30, 2013

    I need to read this book! I just had our third baby on Sunday, and I’m a little overwhelmed at what lies ahead of me…
    Question: What about biting 4 year olds? My daughter used to bite quite often, but even at four she has bitten my son and a friend’s son (both 2). Biting scares me because she is really physically hurting someone (and sometimes not my own kid!).

  98. Emily Reynolds permalink
    January 30, 2013

    Wow! So many comments! Nice important post here Rachel. Ditto on the “adults need this too” comment. I don’t need the book. I’ll just line up for it at the library. I’m sure it will help me be a better bus driver and better lover : ) just wanted to say I miss you and I love keeping up with you in your posts. Hugs to you and the family!

  99. Jan permalink
    January 30, 2013

    Love Aha Parenting! Can’t wait to read the book, hope I win!

  100. January 30, 2013

    ok well i just want to throw in here that i had a bit of a freakout when i realized i had to still deliver the placenta. my whole body rejected this idea. in fact, i never did have another contraction. i was done. and you know me, i looked at the cows whose calves i grew up delivering as my models of how to get this job done. it wasn’t like i didn’t know the placenta would be coming.

    whew. alright. as for the rest of this parenting stuff, post-placental delivery… i could use a fresh parenting read. i have dusted off alfie recently, and leafed back through hold onto your kids, but it’s nice to find new material. there is always so much more we can do. and i love learning parenting strategies that seem to resonate with mine. i had to laugh at your pentagon-level sticker chart/casino chips comment. so i’m thinking i’d get along with this dr laura chick. i am getting a definite nonviolent communication vibe off her cute photo up there.

    i’ve read through the other comments and there are so many other great questions, i’ll look forward to hearing her answer to whichever one is chosen.

  101. Ellie permalink
    January 30, 2013

    Reading a library copy now and absorbing every word. I’d love a copy of my own!

  102. Val permalink
    January 31, 2013

    I’ve been reading a copy of the book borrowed from a friend and I would love one of my own. I’m deep in the middle of a parenting crisis and I feel like the answer is somewhere in these pages, just haven’t read far enough yet….

  103. Andrea permalink
    January 31, 2013

    I would love to read this book, so thanks for the chance Rachel! And thank you for encouraging peaceful parenting through your own stories. Such a motivation, inspiration, and comfort.

  104. Emily J permalink
    January 31, 2013

    Wow, sounds like a book we need to read at our house. I’ve been loving your parenting posts lately :)

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